Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Not A Good Start Pt 2

Well what can I say, I was hoping that this year would not necessarily be a better year, but at least be the same and not worse. Not so! not only am I dealing with negative people around me, I'm reaching that line. The line I didn't want to reach or was hoping not to cross.

So your probably wondering what line, well I call it "the line of no return". Now that I've been in a chair for little over a year, I still was able to transfer in and out myself. But as 2011 came to an end this was becoming an issue. I had been in pain on and off all year but this month it has gotten worse. The pain especially when standing is just too much, I can't left myself up. This is the line I didn't want to cross, even though I probably knew was coming. Pain medication helps but not enough for me to stand and transfer without a lot of help. So I can her you say what's the big deal. Well the big deal is, I can no longer use the bathroom myself, get into the shower and even pull up my dacks (aussie slang for pants) this makes it difficult for me and my elderly parents.   

Not only am I losing my dignity but also the little bit of independence and of self worth. It just frustrates me to no end that being disabled takes so much away from who you really are or could be. But even getting through and over this part of it, that would be OK. It's the fact that it will still continue to get worse with me, there's No Stop sign or Red Light. My goal posts just keep changing, just when I might be getting used to things as they are. Crossing this line also means a whole new set of problems, not only for me but for the people around me. For instants, getting a catheter, so what's the big deal, it will make things easier, right? Well yes it will, but now I have to watch for reoccurring infections, it needs to be changed every 4 weeks, it can get blocked, there's a risk of kidney stones, rick of badder or kidney cancer, bleeding. It's also something that needs to be maintained on a regular basis. You spend so much of your free time just dealing with these every day things that people take for granted. Half the day is gone before you need to do it all over again at night and then the next day. I miss those day's when it only took 30 minutes to shower, dress and get going. Another problem will be, not bearing weight on my legs. Not only am I noticing more stiffness and soreness but I will lose muscle mass but more importantly, bone strength. So as you can see crossing this line will be a major change and disadvantage to my health but also to my being. I'm sure I will get through it until my goal posts change again but in the mean time I feel like my spirit is going though a beating. Keeping it together for me and for the people around me is difficult. So, for now I feel like I'm treading water, maybe if I can work out the pain thing I might keep it at bay for a bit longer.  keep you posted.

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